alliteration's frustrations

With wind, wise words, water and wine
lives both still entwined
from foes to friends, from fires to fate
I wish, us to now seperate
lovely, led lilys, lay lifelessly lazy,
your contagious plague, the death of me
drink drops, of dead delta's dew,
We turn a blackened hue
hope how her hidden hips can hither here
anything you choose, I adhere
she saw somnolence screams of sympathy
can't we just stay, for the life of me?
gathered, grounded, gained, gone in grief
nothing left, like winters survivng leaf
rekindle, remain, remember and retire
just stop, keep this in the mire
please, I ponder why put in a paupers pall?
if we die, remember my lips, in your jaw.

Responses

4 comments so far.

1. peter hollamby says:

   i really like this, it got me thinking. lost-love is a subject thats hard to capture with this much honesty, good work!

2. Erica Aiden says:

   The rhyme here feels forced sometimes, like in the 4th and 14th lines. Great alliteration, though!

3. Orpheus . says:

   If dadaism could make the transformation from art to poetry, this would be it. ee cummings may have done it but his cut-and-random construct method was a little more crafted. The last two lines remind me of a painting - Picasso may have tried something like this in his more surreal moments. Erica has a point too.

4. nameless S says:

   Thanks for the criticism guys you're right, ill try to tweek it a bit