deep thoughts at lunch

staring at the days to come,
hoping they'll be better
than the ones...that have gone.
facing myself for the first time,
feeling as though i commit
crime after crime.

not sure what to think...
so i think about everything
and sometimes nothing.
and that's how i feel.

all or nothing.
fake or real.

there's never any in-between
there's never any setting scene
just the climax
one after the last...

all the drama
all the hurt
all the anger
all the dirt
all the looks
all the stings
all the fear
all the flings
all the freedom
all the pain
all the sadness
left...
in me again

i'm still hurting
from the start.
what happens now
just masks my heart.

it carries over
floods the gates.
and all the walls are made...
permanent they seem.

playing this endless game,
i still have questions.
and all the answers leave me blind...
i want an illusion, a joy
i can never seem to find.

i want to rest inside myself.
i want to find the calm,
but life is just life...
i am nothing i am not

and that's what hurts.

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